he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
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