Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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