That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
