I faked an abortion last night.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
