new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
