My pussy is not your playground.
organizing the empties. That sober.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
