you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Two words: blizzard sex
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
