don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
