U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
