I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
