I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
