I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
