I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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