he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
