So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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