I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
