I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I want her autograph on my taint
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
