I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
