you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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