remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
