thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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