I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
