plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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