dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
