i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
