i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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