i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
