She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
