omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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