my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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