I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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