my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
