The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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