dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
