EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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