I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
