Already got asked if we're dating
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
