No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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