There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
i've created a new STD.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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