My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
