so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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