Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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