U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
