you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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