I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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