my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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