I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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