please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
