Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
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Do I have a choice?
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I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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