got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
