a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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