If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
We just shotgunned beers for America
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
