i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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